There is such a thing as a proper book nerd. This guide will teach you how you can be a real bookaholic by adopting just 8 habits. Lesser mortals may deem you to be a snob, but what do they know? Here are a list of habits that a person should possess to be considered a PROPER book nerd.
1. The look of disdain.
Show open judgement on your face for everything readers not intellectual as yourself do. See someone reading a commercial book? Give the look. Does someone recommend those books to you? Give the look. And then run away. You shouldn’t be seen associating with the basement dwellers.
2. Read only real books a.k.a. classics.
Let’s be honest. Classics are the only real books. The things that the wretched peasants read? Horse shit.
3. Go one step further: Speak entirely in Shakespearean language.
It will put the peasants back in their place. A few examples: “Passeth the salt, Mike”, “cometh h’re, Clara”. If Mike and Clara don’t respond, you can always hit them with this direct quote from Henry IV Part I (Act 2, Scene 4):
“Away, you starvelling, you elf-skin, you dried neat’s-tongue, bull’s-pizzle, you stock-fish!”
Psst. Use this English to Shakespearean translator if you’re not that great in Billy’s tongue.
4. Perfect your “But, is it a prize winner?” voice
Books that don’t win prizes do not deserve to be read. And, it wasn’t even reviewed by NYT?! Oh, the horror!
5. Judge Kindle users.
E-reader readers are bottom feeders. You and your butler should quickly walk away from these villagers.
6. Look disgusted when people buy books online.
“What’s Amazon? An illness?” is a line you should use a gazillion times. And then laugh at your own joke.
7. Launch into a tirade against YA readers periodically.
Let it all out. YA readers are beneath you. They may nod off while you’re ranting and that’s just because they haven’t heard vocabulary such as yours in their life. Bonus points if you can repeatedly ask “You’re an adult who reads YA?” in as nasal a voice as possible. I’m talking nasal level: Janice from Friends.
8. Use air quotes liberally.
Use air quotes when you talk about the “books” that the peasants read. They’re not real books, after all!
There you go! Follow these and you’ll become a real book nerd in no time! Now, why are you wasting time on the Internet? Isn’t there a step stool sized classic somewhere that needs your attention?
Thoughts? More points to add? Let me know in the comments!
~ Shruti *walks away, muttering about book snobs*
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