With a new month comes new books, and today, we have 5 new books that released at the break of dawn. Get an exclusive look at the covers of these books, read the blurbs, and let us know which ones you’ll be adding to your TBR list!
Warning: This post includes swearing and references to cannibalism.
1. The Art of F**king up a Deal by Donald J. Trump
The Donald reveals secrets that make him America’s foremost loser. He discusses how he screwed up with TrumpCare and how it’s probably because he’s “tired of winning”. This book, with its fifth-grader-esque language, is not only restricted to how Mr. “Cheeto-dust” Trump failed at closing a deal. It also includes an entire chapter dedicated to the slain people of the Bowling Green massacre, several chapters about Obama wiretapping Drumpf, and closing pages that are eerily similar to the typewriter scene from Shining, repeatedly saying “All work and no play makes The Donald a dull doofus”.
2. Exploring Uranus by E. Pluribus
Learn fun facts and explore Uranus at your own pace! This picture book can also be used for demonstrations in class!
Suitable for children aged 8 years and below.
3. Salon Style, Silky Smooth Locks by Severus Snape
“He can run faster than Severus Snape confronted with shampoo.”
Severus Snape has come a long way from being the greasy-haired, hook-nosed potions master. While a particular Muggle healer practice called plastic surgery fixed his nose, he rediscovered the beauty of his long-flowing locks through self-experimenting. The teacher in him made him go one step further and write about it, too! He shares wisdom about maintaining your hair, doing the perfect hair flip when you spot a Potter or Weasley, and brewing an ingenious potion that is much better than “the dime store trash that Fleamont Potter came up with”.
Note: Fleamont Potter invented Sleakazy’s Hair Potion.
4. Stockholm Syndrome and Beastiality by Princess Belle
Now a middle-aged woman, Princess Belle has come to terms with the fact that she suffered from Stockholm Syndrome and beastiality as a young woman. While blaming books would be a total Gaston-move, she does agree that reading too many fairy tales made her believe in imaginary concepts such as love. Beast may have transformed into a charming Frenchman, but the beast in him never went away. With a compelling narrative, Princess Belle tells us how she escaped from the nightmarish castle, only to fall into the arms of alcohol and chain smoking.
Come, join the story of this single woman who never should have stepped out of her home in search of her forgetful inventor father. To those concerned, Belle now spends her time harassing the princesses who play Belle in Disneyland and compulsively drinks to drown memories of her captor.
5. Friends for Dinner by Hannibal Lecter
“I do wish we could chat longer, but I’m having an old friend for dinner.”
Having a dear friend
over for dinner? Wondering what you could do with them? Don’t worry! Master chef, Dr. Lecter, is here to the rescue! Here’s what you can do with your friend:
- Deglaze (don’t let that caramelized human residue go to waste!)
- …and much more!
This cookbook provides novel recipes and also tells you what drinks go along with them! Some editions come free with goodies such as fava beans and a bottle of Chianti!
Happy April Fools’ Day, dummies! I hope you had a good laugh today! I made all the book covers here using canva.com. Would you read any of these books? Let me know in the comments!