Minutes of a Death Eaters meeting.

Meeting – 29-Apr-17

Meeting was called to order at 9pm at the grand ballroom of Malfoy Manor. Quorum was established.

Attendees present:

The Dark Lord

Alecto and Amycus Carrow

Antonin Dolohov

Bellatrix Lestrange

Lucius Malfoy

Mulciber Snr

Peter Pettigrew

Rodolphus Lestrange

Severus Snape

Albert Cameron, a new guy who just got bumped to the inner circle for his novel suggestions.


Fenrir Greyback, supposed to represent the Snatchers. Begged off since he’s “having a friend for dinner”.


  • Bellatrix Lestrange really admired the Dark Lord’s new robes and proposed a toast to his long life.
  • The Dark Lord issued an order to have a Muggle drink called the “Starbucks Unicorn Frappucino” be stocked up to be served to him at specified intervals. He remarked, “Muggles may be vermin, but they sure do know how to make their drinks.”

Open issues:

  • Harry Potter: An issue that has been plaguing our meetings for years now, it was once again discussed how exactly this bespectacled git could be thwarted. The issue remains open since the Lord wants to wait until Potter completes his year-end exams.

New business:

  • Grooming: Lucius Malfoy suggests that all the Death Eaters should pay attention to personal hygiene to make them look as pure as their blood. For instance, he mentions, Severus should wash his hair occasionally, Pettigrew should clean his nails, and Bellatrix should sort out her teeth. He said that everyone making sure their body odor was not bad would be easy on his nose. The Dark Lord, who had been patiently sipping his Frappucino until this point, put it down and crucio-ed Lucius.
  • The Dark Lord has recently discovered another Muggle favorite called Twitter and is addicted. New guy Albert suggests that the Lord would have more time to off Potter if he didn’t let Muggle technology and finals get in the way. The Dark Lord, who until then had been tweeting insults to a Ravenclaw student named J.K. Rowling, put his phone down to Avada Kedavara Albert.
  • Lucius Malfoy, trying to get back on the Lord’s good graces, mentions that America has a president who would be very easy to put under the Imperius curse. He says it would serve as a great backup plan if Britain doesn’t bend to their propaganda. The Dark Lord has granted his approval to Malfoy. He promises to get to POTUS immediately, through his well-placed connection, a distant cousin named Kellyanne Conaway.


Meeting adjourned at 10pm.


Nerds! What did you think of this post? Was it even remotely funny? Let me know in the comments!

~ Shruti

Find me on social media!

Goodreads | Twitter

13 thoughts on “Minutes of a Death Eaters meeting.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s