BOSTON, MA–Frustrated male novelist Michael Hawke complained to reporters yesterday about “never being able to write women right”. This reporter sat down for an interview with Hawke during a break at the Male Authors Writing Women Intervention (MAWWI) 2018, a two-day conference trying to teach men how to write human females.
Hawke is part of a whole breed of male novelists who fail to write women well. Says Hawke, “I can get every detail in my books right but I just can’t write women. I think it’s because I’ve never actually interacted with one in my life.”
Hawkes’ manuscripts usually get rejected by publishers because of the way he portrays women. One of his self-published works includes this line: “Destiny, at 5’10 and 80 pounds, bounded down the stairs while being hyper-aware of her 38DD breasts. She reaches me and breathes heavily, her generous front side rising and falling forcefully.”
At this point, the conference’s Woman Specialist Jane Richards interjects. “What have we discussed, Mike?”. “There is no way Destiny could be that size–anatomically, this just wouldn’t work and she won’t be able to walk,” replies Hawke docilely.
This is a huge problem with all attendees of the conference. Their female characters are always wafer-thin, have long legs, and are big-chested. An 80 pound woman with a huge chest should have very poor posture and severe back pain, but she comfortably waltzes around in skimpy outfits throughout the story in which she’s written.
This is Hawke’s first year at the conference, and while he registered late, he was still able to get a pass because he “needs a lot of sensitization”. In his political drama The White House Woman, the main character, the US Secretary of State, crossed her arms under her breasts no less than 23 times. “I just can’t stop myself. I need to sexualize every scene I write with women characters”.
“Ah, the crossed arms,” remarks Jane with a smirk. “We have a whole session in the conference dedicated to this and all the other things male writers get wrong about women. There’s just a whole lot of things these novelists get their women characters to do that are, frankly, just bonkers”.
For instance, most novelists like portraying women as weak. A recurring theme in all these authors’ books is women being written as fragile and needing to be protected.
“And don’t even get me started about the braid tugging and skirt smoothing,” says Jane. “These are habits that all these authors’ characters have. We have a session for that too.”
So did Hawke learn anything from this conference?
When asked this question, he bobs his head excitedly. “I did learn a lot! I won’t ever write women anymore”. If, like this reporter, you thought he meant he won’t write them in the usual misogynistic way, you’re wrong. One book blogger’s hateful comment while reviewing his book has made him make this decision. The blogger in question had said “If you can’t write women normally, don’t write them at all, dipsh*t!”. Hawke will now be exclusively writing about aliens and orcs.
His next book, Aliens Bite Their Lips Seductively, comes out this Halloween.