Satire

[Satire] Struggling male author just cannot write female characters.

BOSTON, MA–Frustrated male novelist Michael Hawke complained to reporters yesterday about “never being able to write women right”. This reporter sat down for an interview with Hawke during a break at the Male Authors Writing Women Intervention (MAWWI) 2018, a two-day conference trying to teach men how to write human females.

Hawke is part of a whole breed of male novelists who fail to write women well. Says Hawke, “I can get every detail in my books right but I just can’t write women. I think it’s because I’ve never actually interacted with one in my life.”

Hawkes’ manuscripts usually get rejected by publishers because of the way he portrays women. One of his self-published works includes this line: “Destiny, at 5’10 and 80 pounds, bounded down the stairs while being hyper-aware of her 38DD breasts. She reaches me and breathes heavily, her generous front side rising and falling forcefully.”

At this point, the conference’s Woman Specialist Jane Richards interjects. “What have we discussed, Mike?”. “There is no way Destiny could be that size–anatomically, this just wouldn’t work and she won’t be able to walk,” replies Hawke docilely.

This is a huge problem with all attendees of the conference. Their female characters are always wafer-thin, have long legs, and are big-chested. An 80 pound woman with a huge chest should have very poor posture and severe back pain, but she comfortably waltzes around in skimpy outfits throughout the story in which she’s written.

This is Hawke’s first year at the conference, and while he registered late, he was still able to get a pass because he “needs a lot of sensitization”. In his political drama The White House Woman, the main character, the US Secretary of State, crossed her arms under her breasts no less than 23 times. “I just can’t stop myself. I need to sexualize every scene I write with women characters”.

“Ah, the crossed arms,” remarks Jane with a smirk. “We have a whole session in the conference dedicated to this and all the other things male writers get wrong about women. There’s just a whole lot of things these novelists get their women characters to do that are, frankly, just bonkers”.

For instance, most novelists like portraying women as weak. A recurring theme in all these authors’ books is women being written as fragile and needing to be protected.

“And don’t even get me started about the braid tugging and skirt smoothing,” says Jane. “These are habits that all these authors’ characters have. We have a session for that too.”

So did Hawke learn anything from this conference?

When asked this question, he bobs his head excitedly. “I did learn a lot! I won’t ever write women anymore”. If, like this reporter, you thought he meant he won’t write them in the usual misogynistic way, you’re wrong. One book blogger’s hateful comment while reviewing his book has made him make this decision. The blogger in question had said “If you can’t write women normally, don’t write them at all, dipsh*t!”. Hawke will now be exclusively writing about aliens and orcs.

His next book, Aliens Bite Their Lips Seductively, comes out this Halloween.

~ Shruti

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52 thoughts on “[Satire] Struggling male author just cannot write female characters.

    1. Yup! And Iโ€™ve been repeating this in so many comments for the last couple of days, but Iโ€™m gonna say it againโ€”authors need to stop thinking of โ€œfemaleโ€ as a characteristic. Like, no. Stop trying to sexualise everything your female character does.

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  1. Merlin’s freaking pants! This just . . . My sides are aching from laughter!!๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿ˜‚
    But one thing I hate in a book more than anything is the misogynistic way females are portrayed in novels๐Ÿ˜’. I’ve come across MANY stuff of this sorts, really!๐Ÿ˜ž
    Great, great post!!๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿ˜€

    Liked by 2 people

  2. ๐Ÿ˜‚ Hahahahahaha.. it was absolutely amazing ๐Ÿ˜€ You made me believe that this was real. Like seriously ๐Ÿ˜‚
    You are trying to write your own novel, arenโ€™t you? ๐Ÿ˜œ Well if not then you should definitely consider it.

    It is so sad that how male authors often portray women, merely as Sex objects.. I wish that author read your post somehow ๐Ÿคฃ

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  3. Maybe mention this is fiction at the beginning! But this is very satirical and funny. I am sure some people need this conference in real life or would come to that conclusion. The easier way out xD

    Liked by 2 people

  4. Why do I start laughing on the very first sentence, as per usual? ๐Ÿ˜‚ this was a wonderful post!! I am SO sharing it xD remember that post of mine where I talk that being a blogger doesn’t mean you’ll write a book? Well, I think you should break that rule and write one one day xD

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    1. Thanks so much, Evelina! โค๏ธโค๏ธ And I remember that post! Haha. People keep telling me I should write a book, but all I do is start short stories and never finish them. ๐Ÿ™ˆ Baby steps. Iโ€™ll try publishing one on my blog and see where to go from there. xD

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