Up and coming YA novel seeks a strong and motivated male to lead it and the dystopian word it’s set in to a bestseller list.
Job duration: 3 books
The ideal candidate will:
1. Have a name that is obscure and sounds non-American though you are, in fact, American and whiter than the Pillsbury Doughboy’s ass.
2. Have eyes that can be described with more than one adjective. If your eyes can cover the entire VIBGYOR spectrum and also have “flecks of gold” in them, you can forego the screening process and immediately join the team.
3. Have a crooked smile and/or evil smirk.
4. Always, always have tousled hair. Your hair should look tousled even after you brush it.
5. Your breath should smell of coffee and cigarettes. You should smell of detergent and pine nuts. Don’t worry, the female lead will love it!
1. Wear a leather jacket at all times.
2. Have an all-black wardrobe.
3. Be a complete dick to the cis-gendered, white, female main character.
4. Work together with said cis-gendered, white, female main character on a group project/school lab/secret quest to topple a totalitarian government regime.
5. Remember when you were a dick to the main character? Yeah, your tragic backstory makes up for your reprehensible behaviour. Also you love her now.
Skills and requirements
1. Brood all the time. Smirk all the time. Extra points if you can somehow manage to do both at the same time.
2. Always lean. Lean on lockers, doorframes, your dead grandmother’s ash-filled urn. Ya know, lean.
3. Fall in love with the main character in a way that involves fireworks, confetti, snowflakes, rollercoasters, and a lot of other metaphors that have no business being used together in the same sentence.
4. You need to have a best friend who’s also the token minority character in the book. They will play into all the stereotypes out there, but yay, diversity!
Interested? Send your résumé in soon! There seems to be a lot of you out there.
Psst. This is a companion piece to another satirical post I wrote a couple years back–Wanted: Heroine of a Young Adult Novel. I’m so happy books are a lot more diverse now than back then but we still have a LONG way to go.