Satire

12 totally real things J. K. Rowling has said about the Potterverse

This post is a collaboration with Shreya from Bookwormtopia.

J.K. Rowling is a brilliant author. And because she wasn’t able to convey all that brilliance in just 7 books, 8 movies, a 2-part play, 3 textbooks from The Hogwarts Library, 2 screenplays, and an entire fucking website dedicated to new and unreleased writings of hers, Shreya and I have compiled this easy list for you.

Did you see any of these new revelations coming?

1. The Potions classroom was not the only dungeon Professor Snape frequented. He, ahem, also had a sex dungeon.

snape GIF

2. Professor McGonagall was a spinster only in her human form. As a tabby cat, however, Minerva loved her dalliances with Mrs. Norris.

3. Fang and the Giant Squid were into butt play.

4. The wizard who put in the tracks to Hogwarts at King’s Cross chose platform nine and three quarters as it was the same number as the size of a certain appendage of his.

5. Oliver Wood is in a loving relationship with a bludger.

harry potter film GIF

6. All the characters in Harry Potter were actually black and if you never noticed, you’re racist.

7. The Whomping Willow had a scandalous love affair with the giant squid. Fangs was heartbroken when he found out.

8. The Whomping Willow also had a, ahem, whomping kink.  

orlando brown GIF

9. The Shrieking Shack got its name for a completely different reason.

10.  The Black Lake is actually trans.

11. Fluffy the three-headed dog and a blast-ended skrewt had an intense sexual relationship.

12. Colin Creevey wrote self-insert fanfiction about Harry Potter.

There you go! These were totally real and you should completely believe them.


This post was a collaboration with the lovely Shreya from Bookwormtopia. Shreya is a teenager with a soul that’s so old, it complains about the economy, today’s youth, and its arthritis. She’s a riot to talk to and her reviews are always on-point, succinct, and wonderful to read.

Both Shreya and I are Potterheads. But our love for J.K. Rowling died ages back. We will not stand for her transphobic behaviour and detest the fact that she forces diversity more as an afterthought than for inclusivity. You can read more about our thoughts on JKR in these posts:

Shruti: The Crimes of J.K. Rowling: Why won’t she leave the Potterverse alone
Shreya: My thoughts on the Crimes of Grindelwald

~ Shruti

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31 thoughts on “12 totally real things J. K. Rowling has said about the Potterverse

  1. It took me a while, and a look at the comment section, to realize that it was for April fools.

    I really thought J.K.R did say all those. I would have been the least bit surprised, if she had.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Haha the number of people who were surprised is kinda scary. She is the same person who said witches and wizards relieved themselves in public and vanished the evidence, so I wouldn’t put it past her. 😀

      Like

  2. #4 made me *actually* laugh out loud because i have the sense of humour of a 12 yrs old boy…

    Is it bad that it took until #3 for me to figure out this was for April’s fools?

    Thats me, an immature fool… at least i get a laugh out of it

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Ah, this is making me laugh out loud (which is rare, since I always just laugh in my head)
    GReat post!!!
    I will be waiting for more April Fools day posts from you! A year is just too much time to wait but I will endure it for posts like this one!

    Liked by 1 person

  4. It honestly took until “The Whomping Willow had a scandalous love affair with the giant squid. Fangs was heartbroken when he found out.” for me to be sure this was a joke…

    Liked by 1 person

  5. I am no Potterhead but I should have guessed it was an April Fool thing sooner. But again I have lost count of the times JKR posed a few crazy ideas. And your “love” for her is pretty well known. Dang, I should have found this was a prank sooner.

    Like

  6. Hahahaha fuck lol. I happen to agree with you on the love for Rowling thing. It’s just that she’s really pushing things now. It’s okay to not have any homo/trans character in your books. But telling the world, after the books are done with, that this and that character was this and that is just plain disrespectful and kind of disgusting. Basically you’re saying that you support gay rights, but you won’t say it out loud because less money..?

    Ugh am I overthinking?

    Liked by 1 person

      1. I’m more like it’s okay to not have diversity, it’s your world, and it’s your choice, but making it an after thought is disrespecting. Even the Indian Patil twins in the HP books. And their dresses. They were atrocious! Fuck bro, Indian fashion is so awesome, why would you give them something so bad?!

        Liked by 1 person

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